March 9, 2007

Three months ago it would have been so easy to pack up and disappear. Now – now – things are so different. Somehow, the heart that I misplaced – through calcifying, fossilising, deadening it so that I wouldn’t feel the edge of loss, the suffering, the ever-present pain of losing friends, time, myself – the heart that I misplaced I found again. Somewhere, at the point where Crystal found her new boyfriend and Jane found her new boyfriend and Salman found a life beyond the police force and suddenly I was all alone, I stopped feeling. It was easy to lose myself in the numbing rhythm. What else was there in my life? Nothing. I woke up, feeling nothing. I collapsed out of bed, feeling nothing. I took a bus, feeling nothing. I did my work, feeling nothing. I stood in line, feeling nothing. I came home, feeling nothing. I fell asleep, feeling nothing, dreaming nothing. (The nights upon nights without dreams were the worst.)

But now life is so fresh and so new and so various. I’ve met and fallen in love with the best people. (I didn’t think I’d find any more friends who could be loyal and true to me – difficult, obstinate, taciturn me – but I did. And now my perfect world – so static, so true – has fallen apart, and new, fresh, feeling has rushed in, and I’ve never felt so much more exhilaratingly alive. Alive. And now when September comes I will have to pack everything into a bag and bid everyone goodbye. And now – now – how will this be possible? How will this be easy? What could I even do?

This is getting very emo and boring.


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