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my clubbing escapade! ohmygod i’m so cool!

December 5, 2005

Dear Diary,

Wow! Saturday’s party at ChinaBlack was so fun! I can’t believe that I nearly missed it in favour of clubbing at somewhere more upmarket, like Happy.

When I arrived, I knew immediately that it’d be a blast. I mean, the ugly bouncer lady thing was so unfriendly and snappy, which like as we all know is criteria number 1 for a cool club. I mean, that’s how you know a club is sizzling, like from how rude their bouncers are! It means that the club is full of A-listers and cool people that if you don’t fit the standard of swank you’re without dignity and don’t deserve to live. That’s so Paris Hilton. That’s so hot. The club is too cool to even employ semi-polite bouncers (they don’t even speak coherently, let alone politely, and we all know that saying something incomprehensible so like fetch), and I mean, like, why tell people that they can’t enter a club when you can merely grunt at them and expect them to get what you’re saying and when they don’t raise your voice and make warning noises? I mean, communication is so last season. Hell, it went out with the unilateral invasion of Iraq.

OMG. You so totally have to check out what people wear in this club. Okay, so I got bounced because I was wearing my fab tank and that wasn’t formal enough for such a cool club, but I borrowed my friend’s frumpish large top to please the bouncer lady, and fit right in! Get it? OVERSIZED T-SHIRTS ARE BACK, ESPECIALLY ON PETITE CHINESE MEN! Because, you know, there’s nothing hotter than Chinese men trying to look black with their baggy clothes and baggy jeans and bling bling bling. God, the boys at ChinaBlack really dress to kill, which is really what you must expect from such a uber-cool club.

The drinks were amazing. I really think that they’ve got the Atkins fad right on, cos the carbos aren’t a-loading! I mean, why bother with rum and coke, when you can serve COKE and coke, and ditch the calories from the alcohol. (Which, by the way, a lot of people there needed. Oh my god, what a smart club!) And the 6 tequila shots that I bought! New recipe, I guess, cos this time around they were more salt than tequila. Great cure for water retention, that! And, you know, the lemon slice was not so much a slice as a wedge, so yeah! Man, after imbibing all that salt, you need the lemon to shock your brain into submission. Tequila shots are HOT. And at 5 bucks a shot, they were such hot value for money. Cos salt is a precious commodity, y’all, it was used as currency in ancient China. Or something.

Don’t get me started on the music. They played so much rap at the end of it I felt like a fat black momma through and through. Heck, I even started channelling the spirit of Mariah and started calling everyone ma’homies. And yeah, when the rap stopped, it was like, Jon Bon Jovi, cos that’s so hot! It’s like, so in now to be doing your own thang cos it’s your own life and it’s now or never. And the DJ was so clever-clever avant-garde, cos the music was so experimental: why bother transitting through songs, when you can just press the ‘next’ button, like on a CD player? And is there anything MORE fashionable than disrupting the flow of the beat by stopping the music so people can sing along? It’s like making our own music! HOT. And yeah, who needs a ‘dance’ beat when you can have ‘writhe somewhat rhythmically and sporadically with the hips and shoulders uncoordinated and the arms flying everywhere in a random fashion’ beat?

God, what I learnt so much about fashion at the club, I have to say this: that there are only a few basic types of clubwear for girls which must be adhered to at all cost:
– the flowy top short skirt
– the oriental top short skirt
– the retro top short skirt
– the black to short skirt
– people are fat.
I know that the last one isn’t a type of clubwear, but still. Note to self: if you ever put on 50 pounds and get a sex change, it’s okay but you have to validate yourself by wearing something patterned and loud and let boys touch you in weird places, like the labia.

God, is there ANYTHING sexier than underage smoking? Okay except for the scowly-aloof faces that the undearge smokers all sport. Er wait, no, scratch that: because underage clubbing NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER occurs in a club of such stringent and high standards as ChinaBlack with their super bouncers! No, nope, no sir! NO UNDERAGE CLUBBING HERE. Because ChinaBlack is a club for the cool and mature. Uh-huh, that’s right, you heard me. The cool and mature clubbers. Okay by clubber I really mean ‘stand-around-looking-cool-and-when-people-are-actually-dancing-assume-they’re-gay-and-bash-them’-er, but then again being specific is so uncool and takes too long so we should just say ‘clubber’.

Whee!!! Kisses to all my lovely young friends who don’t know better and continue to endure verbal abuse in the mistaken idea that impoliteness=coolness, which is like so fetch, in a non-ahbeng, non-unfashionable, non-non-fun, non-get-thee-to-a-nunnery, non-bad-music, non-young-but-trying-to-act-older kind of way,

and signing off,

One Satisfied Clubber in the non-unhappening, non-no-variety, non-uninteresting, non-insipid, non-hung-up-over-trying-to-look-cool-to-actually-have-any-fun, non gay, non-non-non-non-non-non-un-un-non-un-nonsensical Singapore club scene!!!!!

PS GO SINGAPORE XOXOXOXO AND MERRY XMAS TO ALL XOXOXOXOXOXO

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